Finite Sensibilities
by recipe for insanity
Summary: Near must battle alone against Kira, a man who strangely he can understand. And surprisingly enough, ruined his own life when he took the lives of those Near loved. So why then does destroying the God of the New World feel so right? But so wrong too?
1. Paying the Piper

**Chapter One:** _**Paying the Piper**_

_Those that cannot transcend death will not find awareness in anything.  
We are all born dead. The end exists before anything begins. _

_Nate River._

That was his name and it meant nothing. He knew it. The façade he affected meant more. Not to him. To others. There was no reason for him to hide. However, the sentient beings around him were just like everyone else. Ignorant. _Or worse. Cowards._ Their lives lacking truth as they scuttled around puffed up on self-import and condescension. Their assurances of his safe-keeping, proprietary and vacuous. Because they, like the rest of the human race, had skated by on a fatuous life until Kira called upon them to become more.

_To be fully aware._ To understand an actualized perception that one's life is indeed necessary only in so much as it is wanted. Hard emphasis on _wanted_.

Too bad the only other one with the knowledge of just how fragile humankind was…, _and just how fickle it could be_, was a sham deity bent on protecting such universal oblivion. And Near couldn't help thinking that while Kira was correct in his presumptuous self-made title "god" – if indeed owning control over death was an actual testament to godly attributes even though essentially all humans were demigods because each one to an extent has the ability to take a life – He was really beginning to suspect the man enjoyed feeding off the world's irrational fear. That he wanted nothing more than to be rid of them all. Sadly, Near couldn't help but sympathize.

And why couldn't the denizens of Kira proselytes understand their "god" simply used scare tactics to get what he wanted? The most basic kind too. And how could they not know every life had already been price-tagged? Death was the only guarantee life offered to its inhabitants. He nearly felt a rush of pity for the man. Kira had his work cut out for him.

And his attempts to educate the ignorant masses were destined to fail. Just like the fleeting affinity Near felt for the man. Because while, he understood the need to cleanse the world of its rampant idiocy and immerse yourself in a cause whole-heartedly, his appreciation for Kira had quickly cooled when the man had mercilessly deprived him of his own precious belongings. Three most treasured, _wanted possessions_, even if they had not been aware of it.

* * *

_**A/N:** Much to my dismay, this piece came out remarkably pretentious for even me. Truly, I do speak this way and way too often for my own good as I suspect others want to smack me regularly because of it. Or at least my sisters do and have admitted as much and done as much, but that's a whole 'nother story!_

_All quotes in entire fic are from Tite Kubo (Bleach)._


	2. The Voice in my Head

**Chapter Two:_ The Voice in My Head_**

_If living is a constant quest for awareness.  
The awareness we gain at the end is the real goal. _

L, M, M again, …and then there was only N?

Really, Near quirked his lips at the ridiculousness of his thoughts, but thoroughly amused that fate might truly reveal her cards this way. An alphabetized prophecy. She had to know that Near always cheated?

However, the thrill of being the last one. Death stalking him. He couldn't help the excitement coursing through his veins and if one had to go; why not go out with a bang?

Or so he thought, when he heard Mello's voice in his head.


	3. Death Wish

**Chapter Three:**_** Death Wish**_

_In other words, death is the discovery and complete understanding of the end.  
We are not permitted to seek awareness._

Of all the times for Near to develop a crush, now really wasn't appropriate. Nor was the fact that his curiosity was aroused by the idea that Kira had been L's lover. Nor was the fact that Kira, angelic in appearance and serpentine in words and calculating in the mental games he played; appeared nightly in his dreams—dressed impeccably, handsome like no one Near had ever seen. Even Mello, Matt and L, beautiful as they were, had not burned as brilliantly or as brightly as Light Yagami did.

Near wasn't at all surprised that he was _interested. In that way._

Most Wammy children already had an unnaturally keen interest in death, given that well, every child had dreamed of replacing L, himself included. A truly macabre desire when one dissected the logic behind the longing. Truly, if any of the children had thought at any length about this wish, they would have realized how much a conflict of interest it was for them all.

What Wammy child had not longed to flirt with danger? Or expected the opportunity to dance with the devil?

_Obsessed over death? _

Near let his hands gracefully roam his abdomen before they slithered lower, gliding through downy fine white hairs to fasten around the one object that might release him from his wayward mental ramblings. As the blood rapidly flowed from brain to below the waist, Near couldn't help but gloat.

_Light had no idea what Near was prepared to do to reclaim the title that rightfully belonged to him and him alone._


	4. It's Always the Quiet Ones

**Chapter Four:**_** It's Always the Quiet Ones**_

_People have hope because they cannot see Death standing behind them._

L, an enigma that had played with a great many variable disguises, easily disarmed people with his pretense of idiocy. The stereotype had been demeaning and Near hated the class clown trick. As undeniably annoying as it was, it worked quickly and effectively, and who was Near to tell the great and mighty L how to act.

Mello, a tornado of pithy, righteous fury and prettified punk slash emo slash thug demanded people's attention. His tone never softened. He never wavered from truth, dignity or prideful carriage and yet, he would seduce Matt with looks, secreted smiles and gentle pats of assurances. Near had known if Mello had ever given him the chance, he _could have excelled, _would have provided the care Mello sought in that regard too.

Matt, untouchable and unstoppable when faced with the headiest of tempers, swayed people with his platitudes, an easy-going smile and winning social graces. He never let on if he felt out of place or mishandled or unfairly treated, and people gravitated to him like sugary sweets and chocolate pacified L and Mello.

Near, neither strong in stature nor charismatic in appearance had perfected his mien from birth. Helpless wasn't hard to affect when one essentially was. At least at birth, Near had been… or so he thought bemusedly since he really chose not to remember much of his early childhood. Dwelling on the past rarely interested him or humored him. Those memories were best left where the tangled webs of his mind stowed them. A slight nuisance but entirely unnecessary in the "big picture" scheme of things. But the little ache they left imprinted on Near's psyche only added more depth to his performance. Frankly, he had been impressed with how well he had used his fate-induced angst to his benefit.

_And so had they._

L amusedly watched as he manipulated people into doing for him what he was quite capable of doing himself, even going so far as to participate in the joke when he was in a good mood.

Mello felt the sting of the insult every damn time, never once imagining that his bravado persona brought out the same hateful spite in Near for the very same reasons. When were they ever truly free to be anything more than their pretenses?

Matt enjoyed Near's appearance of childish frailty. Something in his nature clung to escapist mentality and Near did little to nothing to jar him out of those fantasies. They played together in quiet, unassuming companionship that Near missed just as much as Mello's raging and L's teasing.

But then again, they had never seen him as anything more than the shell of humanity that embodied his true essence. They had never known him to be more…, more than capable of outliving them until it was too late.

_Near had always known his mind was the deadliest._

What a wonderful feeling to know that Kira recognized his lethality from the very beginning! Had always treated him like an opponent with skills, someone to be wary of…, someone who was more than a child playing the pity card. Even as he marveled at Light's ability to wrap all the deceptions of L, Mello and Matt into one completely uniform and masterful guise and pondered how one could fight a "god" that knew how to play-act every stop the Wammy boys had pulled; he knew deep down that Kira was afraid of him.

The flirtatious banter hidden in challenges made over the intercom. Smiles, diabolically spurred but respectful too. Purred exchanges with hinted promises of more.

Kira was having just as much fun as Near was. But he was desperate too.

_And nothing…, if anything, had ever stroked Near's ego so intensely than the frenzied recreancy he heard in Kira's voice. _


End file.
